Not right now; I'm chasing my children

Every now and then you read something or someone says something that resonates deeply with you. This happened to me a couple of years ago when I was talking to a close friend about the pros and cons (mostly cons) of having grown children & subsequently grandchildren who live out of town. She brought up the situation of a woman she knew who struggled to keep up a close relationship with her children even though they lived in the Chicago area. Her friend was so desirous of seeing her children and grandchildren that she would change her plans at the last minute if one of them called with an invitation. Even if she didn’t feel well, she wouldn’t miss an opportunity to be with them. She “chased her children” as my friend so eloquently put it.

This comment really impacted me and I knew immediately why. My four children all live substantial distances from Chicago (none are in Illinois). One of my daughters is married to an Australian and lives near Sydney, Australia. To add to the mix, she is presently the only one of my children who has provided a grandchild and has another baby due.

I can hear it now-you are thinking “Wow, you sure have a nice place to visit.” Yep, it’s true. I can pay $1500 and sit on a plane for 18 hours in order to visit my daughter and her family. Of course, first I have to clear it at work and since I only get 2 weeks of vacation per year (and can’t carry any days over) it makes it kind of difficult to arrange.

The last I heard, unless you are a card-carrying terrorist, Australia is actually open for anyone to visit. You too can pay the fare and sit those interminable hours on the plane. Once you’re there you’ll do a hell of a lot more site seeing than I do. So, the “You sure have a nice place to visit” comment doesn’t really make a lot of sense.

My other children live in New York (not so bad, only one hour away), Denver and Flagstaff. More nice places to visit, I suppose. And I do - visit that is. The problem is that there is always a sense of urgency since the time together is limited, it’s expensive (you should see my credit cards), and for someone who works full time, it’s not very practical. Yes, there’s email, phoning and webcam as well and I’m grateful for all these developments. But nothing beats a true, in-person get together. Just try hugging your phone the next time your kids call and you’ll see what I mean.

As for my kids, I probably don’t have to tell you. Their lives are full with work, friends,”significant others”, gym time, texting time (major, in the case of my New York daughter), etc. At their stage of life, spending time with Mom is not as important to them as it is to Mom. I get it; I was the same way at their ages, but we Baby Boomers are still tied to the philosophy that we should cherish our parents and care for them, even if it does interfere with our lives. Don’t get me wrong; I’m thrilled that all four of my children are independent, healthy adults. I want them to have lives of their own; I just want to have some small share in their lives whenever possible.

I can see you all shaking your heads. It’s true – even those of you who are lucky enough to have your children and grandchildren in the Chicago area or nearby are subject to many of the same frustrations. Your kids work, have friends, travel, entertain, and have fully developed lives that make it difficult to find time for Mom (and Dad, if he’s around). Most of my friends complain that they don’t see their children often enough, and that situation is not their choice. They cherish each invitation and clear the decks when one arises. I also have friends who only hear from their kids when they need a baby sitter or financial help. Not good – I wouldn’t like that. But we love them, so we take the bitter with the sweet.

As for me and my family, of course, we work it out and since planes can fly in any direction, they do their part to visit me as well. When they come to Chicago my time with them is meted out to me in hour-long segments (just like if they lived here). There’s their Dad to consider (we’re divorced), friends from high school & possibly college, etc. They check their watches and cell phones frequently. If I want to spend real quality time with my kids, well, the mountain has to go to Mohammed.

This all being said, you can find me about four times a year at O’Hare. I’m not taking a site seeing vacation, or a beach vacation, or a business trip. I’m one of the middle aged women standing in line at the security counter on my way to New York, Colorado, Arizona or Australia (fill in your own destination) to spend some time with those people who mean so much to me.

So, hand me my boarding pass and don't bother me. I’m chasing my children.